"Wives, be subject to our own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body.
But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything.
Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her; that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she should be holy and blameless.
So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself; for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church, because we are members of His body." Ephesians 5:22-30 (NASB)
So, I'm not going to go into full exegesis on this passage. I'll just say this - it's tough. I'm intelligent. I'm confident. I'm capable. And, quite frankly, I want to have the last word and be right, whether or not I'm right. By the way, this is Stacy writing.
Honestly, I'm having a bit of a difficult time writing this blog. I keep feeling the need to write disclaimers like, "We still have discussions about decisions," or "I don't have to just follow whatever Bryan wants to do." But I don't want to write disclaimers. The Bible says women are to submit to their husbands. And husbands are to love their wives. I'm sure B has as difficult a time loving me when I'm in a bad mood and yelling at him as I have submitting to him when he tells me that I need to stop arguing with him when I'm upset. Like I said - it's tough.
So anyway, this is definitely an area that we are working on in our marriage, and will probably have to continue working on for the rest of our lives. It would definitely be easier if society agreed with the concept of the man being the head of the household and the wife submitting to him. But it doesn't. So we'll deal.
The reason I'm writing a blog on this now is because of a song we've been working on. We'll be using the song "Lead Me" by Sanctus Real in church on Sunday, but we've made a few changes. The song is from a husband's point of view, reflecting on what his family needs from him. As we were thinking about the song, we reflected that wives need a verse too, about learning to submit. So we did a bit of re-writing to make the song a duet. You can find the original lyrics here. Here's how we're performing the song (H stands for husband, W stands for wife, and B stands for both)
H: I look around and see my wonderful life
Almost perfect from the outside
In picture frames I see my beautiful wife
Always smiling, but on the inside,
I can hear her saying...
Lead me with strong hands
Stand up when I can't
Don't leave me hungry for love
Chasing dreams, what about us?
Show me you're willing to fight
That I'm still the love of your life
I know we call this our home
But I still feel alone
W: I race around, getting everything done
I'm a strong woman, need help from no one.
He's working hard, to get into my life
I'm independent, but on the inside,
I know I should be saying...
Lead me with strong hands
Stand up when I can't
Keep me hungry for love
Not chasing dreams, keep me thinking about us.
Help me to give up the fight
So I'll be proud to be your wife
I know we call this our home
But I still feel alone
B: So Father, give us the strength
To be everything we're called to be
Oh, Father, show us the way
H: To lead her
W: Let him lead me.
H: To lead her with strong hands
To stand up when she can't
W: Don't want to leave him hungry for love,
B: Chasing things that we could give up
H: I'll show her I'm willing to fight
W: And give him the best of my life
B: So we can call this our home
Lead us, 'cause we can't do this alone
Father, lead us, 'cause we can't do this alone.
Stacy
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Friday, August 6, 2010
Being a Man
I don't know if it is ever beneficial for a woman to tell a man that he is not manly enough. For some reason, it does not elicit a need to be manly, and usually only leaves the bad aftertaste of being under-appreciated. The problem is that the woman is usually right, at least about or in the circumstance in which the statement is said.
A man who knows he is not being manly enough may, if he notices that criticism from his wife or girlfriend is not enabling him to soar in beneficial ways of masculine power and leadership, may seek other men to mentor him and tell him to be manly.
The question then becomes redundant, poignant, but hopefully beneficial in its simplicity (which is why all women think men are stupid to some degree, no matter how smart we actually are).
The question is this: Are you man enough to tell yourself to be a man?
You know that your mom, wife, girlfriend, or female anyone cannot encourage your masculinity by telling you that what you are doing or what/who you are is not enough. You figure that other men could tell you, but if you've realized that you want other men to tell you to be a man and tell you what you do, then you often already know, and so forgo seeking the counsel of the men who would tell you what you would tell them if they were to ask.
But why then does a man not act upon his self-found (or Godly given, in some cases) wisdom in the humility and aggressive service of a man in all of his roles, not simply give himself his own advice and do what he says?
Better yet, why does he not read about manliness in the scriptures to confirm what he already suspected was the answer, and do what it says, it being the Word.
So the question stands: Are you man enough to tell yourself to be a man?
Sg
A man who knows he is not being manly enough may, if he notices that criticism from his wife or girlfriend is not enabling him to soar in beneficial ways of masculine power and leadership, may seek other men to mentor him and tell him to be manly.
The question then becomes redundant, poignant, but hopefully beneficial in its simplicity (which is why all women think men are stupid to some degree, no matter how smart we actually are).
The question is this: Are you man enough to tell yourself to be a man?
You know that your mom, wife, girlfriend, or female anyone cannot encourage your masculinity by telling you that what you are doing or what/who you are is not enough. You figure that other men could tell you, but if you've realized that you want other men to tell you to be a man and tell you what you do, then you often already know, and so forgo seeking the counsel of the men who would tell you what you would tell them if they were to ask.
But why then does a man not act upon his self-found (or Godly given, in some cases) wisdom in the humility and aggressive service of a man in all of his roles, not simply give himself his own advice and do what he says?
Better yet, why does he not read about manliness in the scriptures to confirm what he already suspected was the answer, and do what it says, it being the Word.
So the question stands: Are you man enough to tell yourself to be a man?
Sg
Sunday, July 25, 2010
"From your own body..."
Genesis 15:1-4 says:
After these things the word of the LORD came to Abram in a vision, saying,
"Do not fear, Abram, I am a shield to you;
Your reward shall be very great."
And Abram said,
"O lord GOD, what will THOU give me, since I am childless, and the heir of my house is Eliezer of Damascus?"
And Abram said,
"Since thou has given no offspring to me, one born in my house is my heir."
Then behold, the word of the LORD came to him, saying,
"This man will not be your heir, but one who shall come forth from your own body, he shall be your heir."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The bold statement directly relates to marriage, and the literal meaning of "they shall become one flesh." (Gen. 2:24)
Since Abram's wife, Sarai, doubts that she will ever bear a child herself, she convinces Abram to have sex and impregnate one of her maids, so that God's promise might be carried out.
The maid is Hagar, and the son is Ishmael, and is indeed from Abram's son. So why then would God discount Ishmael as the son of promise, as a son not "from [his] own body"?
I believe the answer to this is multi-layered, but I believe that when God says that Abram will have a child "from your own body," he is not simply referring to Abram's body, but the "one flesh" body that was the married couple, Sarai and Abram.
God made good on his promise, and from Abram's "own flesh," that is to say, Him and his wife, Sarai has a child.
From that child was a line of offspring, some of whom men, some of them women; some prostitutes, and some kings, came Jesus, born without an earthly father, who had no sin of his own, but took on the sin of all people so that all might be reconciled to God and to each other in perfect love.
May God continue to strengthen marriage as he offers so often to strengthen it.
Sg
After these things the word of the LORD came to Abram in a vision, saying,
"Do not fear, Abram, I am a shield to you;
Your reward shall be very great."
And Abram said,
"O lord GOD, what will THOU give me, since I am childless, and the heir of my house is Eliezer of Damascus?"
And Abram said,
"Since thou has given no offspring to me, one born in my house is my heir."
Then behold, the word of the LORD came to him, saying,
"This man will not be your heir, but one who shall come forth from your own body, he shall be your heir."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The bold statement directly relates to marriage, and the literal meaning of "they shall become one flesh." (Gen. 2:24)
Since Abram's wife, Sarai, doubts that she will ever bear a child herself, she convinces Abram to have sex and impregnate one of her maids, so that God's promise might be carried out.
The maid is Hagar, and the son is Ishmael, and is indeed from Abram's son. So why then would God discount Ishmael as the son of promise, as a son not "from [his] own body"?
I believe the answer to this is multi-layered, but I believe that when God says that Abram will have a child "from your own body," he is not simply referring to Abram's body, but the "one flesh" body that was the married couple, Sarai and Abram.
God made good on his promise, and from Abram's "own flesh," that is to say, Him and his wife, Sarai has a child.
From that child was a line of offspring, some of whom men, some of them women; some prostitutes, and some kings, came Jesus, born without an earthly father, who had no sin of his own, but took on the sin of all people so that all might be reconciled to God and to each other in perfect love.
May God continue to strengthen marriage as he offers so often to strengthen it.
Sg
Friday, July 2, 2010
From The Inside Out
I always wonder why, when my marriage suddenly becomes more rewarding, do I always begin to feel more pressure and tiredness.
When things are tough between Stacy and I, most of life's problems, like knowing the theological languages, preaching the gospel, and sustaining my other relationships get shoved the back burner of my thoughts. My whole focus is on repairing what can be repaired in the marriage. When Stacy is happy, I can relax into my marriage with my wife.
Then the thoughts tumble in, one by one. I don't know my languages, and I don't know how I am going to learn them in two years well enough for seminary. I wonder if I should drag Stacy off to India to go do mission work over there, (don't worry, I don't think this is a viable option or vocation). I feel restless with this injury, unable to do much physically, and so I have all this time to think, but with the medication, it takes me at least four times as long to wrap my brain around a life-problem and either figure out a solution or come to an acceptable conclusion for the time being.
Stacy encourages me to write my thoughts out, which is in part why she started this blog, so here is an excerpt from the things on my mind which drain my energy:
~Can I swear upon the Book of Concord at my Lutheran ordination when Jesus says not to swear and anything more than "let your Yes be Yes and your No be No... comes from the evil one"?
~What about people who have never heard about Jesus? Would God reject them? Or are they treated with exception? If they are, then why did he encourage us to go tell people about Jesus? If we left New Guinea alone, they would have never heard of Jesus for perhaps dozens of Generations... Which leads me to question how God actually saves people. I was under the impression than unless a person rejected Jesus as their Savior, then they were viewed by God as perfect; hence the blessedness of young children and even infants ("For to such as these belongs the kingdom of heaven.")
~What about when the message of Jesus is presented in an inappropriate way? If someone preaches that in order to reach God, a person must lead a perfect life, and Jesus will help the person do it. What happens when that person falls on their face and isn't able to lead the life they were preached to live? Should they believe in a God that does not forgive freely? No. But what if they are discouraged based on the words of the preacher, not the Word of God, as in the parable of the sower.
~There is such a mess in several denominations, including my own. Certain non-denominational Christians hear that I am Lutheran and ask me if I am going to be a Gay pastor. No... I'm married to a woman, and that is the other Lutheran denominational practice; which leads me to wonder about homosexuality and how to address it. Do I address "it" as a concept, or according to each person? I fear coming to a firm, LCMS, conclusion about homosexuality, because it means that I must eventually stop loving someone who chooses to pursue a gay lifestyle... when not stop loving them exactly, but it would certainly look that way.
~I thank God that homosexuality has become such a personal issue, or else I might be like many other Christians who assume that Gay people are a "different breed" of sinners than themselves, or myself.
~I worry about money, my family, money, and taking care of my wife, when all I am doing is spending money and not making any.
~ I worry about my parents' house, and I want to go and help my dad with anything that he needs. I want to go there and sing with my mom so that she knows how much I want to spend time with her.
~I wonder about Christians and war: How does "Love your enemy" play into shooting them? Should we forgo the "Love your enemy" rule for the sake of protecting our loved ones? What about our land? Our Stuff? Our ideals? Jesus says that people will persecute us for our beliefs. Should we fight back because we're upset? Or should we lay down our swords? Should I teach my friend in the marines what I've learned about Christian love when I know his officers expect him to listen to orders without question? Would it be better for him not to have to choose? Or should be struggle to pull the trigger and end up dead somewhere because of it?
~ I wonder if I should play a larger role in conservation of nature. I feel called and drawn to the outdoors, and God created Adam to be gardener and protector of Eden, but I am stuck on a computer or watching TV most of the time right now because of my neck, and when I have the ability to go out and do these things, I will have work, school, family stuff, and spending time with my wife. Sometimes we get to go outside together, but that's about once or twice a month at most. Josh and I want to discover how to be outdoorsmen, but we each know that it simply takes time and studying to do so, and I have enough trouble remembering Greek declensions.
~I worry about all the relationships I've had in the past, and what negative things I've said or done to affect those people I thought I cared about. What should or could I do now to help that? What's done is done can always be apologized for... but is it too far beneath the past to dig up?
I suppose that's enough for now, and I don't expect anyone to have read all of that, but that's an example of what drains my energy, specifically at the moment. I don't have the time to figure this out, nor the means, or perhaps simply the willpower. Sometimes I don't want to know, because then I'll have to give it up, like being an outdoorsman. Perhaps I'll always be an amateur mountain-man where there are no mountains. What will my children think of me if they always see that I want something more? Maybe they'll look forward to heaven, as I do.
In all of this, and in my lucid moments, I thank God for all I have been blessed with. My wife especially, and also my family and friends, as challenging as it makes my life; for every time God comes through and answers a prayer just as I asked it, even if I forget it two minutes after it's done.
I believe my aunt Susan worried about life in very similar fashions, as I remembered having discussions about issues with her when I was about 8, and she would ask the questions that no one had ever answered well. It made her frustrated, and it makes me as well. I seek to answer the questions. Once again "The Impossible Dream" just popped into my head.
Goodnight.
Sg
When things are tough between Stacy and I, most of life's problems, like knowing the theological languages, preaching the gospel, and sustaining my other relationships get shoved the back burner of my thoughts. My whole focus is on repairing what can be repaired in the marriage. When Stacy is happy, I can relax into my marriage with my wife.
Then the thoughts tumble in, one by one. I don't know my languages, and I don't know how I am going to learn them in two years well enough for seminary. I wonder if I should drag Stacy off to India to go do mission work over there, (don't worry, I don't think this is a viable option or vocation). I feel restless with this injury, unable to do much physically, and so I have all this time to think, but with the medication, it takes me at least four times as long to wrap my brain around a life-problem and either figure out a solution or come to an acceptable conclusion for the time being.
Stacy encourages me to write my thoughts out, which is in part why she started this blog, so here is an excerpt from the things on my mind which drain my energy:
~Can I swear upon the Book of Concord at my Lutheran ordination when Jesus says not to swear and anything more than "let your Yes be Yes and your No be No... comes from the evil one"?
~What about people who have never heard about Jesus? Would God reject them? Or are they treated with exception? If they are, then why did he encourage us to go tell people about Jesus? If we left New Guinea alone, they would have never heard of Jesus for perhaps dozens of Generations... Which leads me to question how God actually saves people. I was under the impression than unless a person rejected Jesus as their Savior, then they were viewed by God as perfect; hence the blessedness of young children and even infants ("For to such as these belongs the kingdom of heaven.")
~What about when the message of Jesus is presented in an inappropriate way? If someone preaches that in order to reach God, a person must lead a perfect life, and Jesus will help the person do it. What happens when that person falls on their face and isn't able to lead the life they were preached to live? Should they believe in a God that does not forgive freely? No. But what if they are discouraged based on the words of the preacher, not the Word of God, as in the parable of the sower.
~There is such a mess in several denominations, including my own. Certain non-denominational Christians hear that I am Lutheran and ask me if I am going to be a Gay pastor. No... I'm married to a woman, and that is the other Lutheran denominational practice; which leads me to wonder about homosexuality and how to address it. Do I address "it" as a concept, or according to each person? I fear coming to a firm, LCMS, conclusion about homosexuality, because it means that I must eventually stop loving someone who chooses to pursue a gay lifestyle... when not stop loving them exactly, but it would certainly look that way.
~I thank God that homosexuality has become such a personal issue, or else I might be like many other Christians who assume that Gay people are a "different breed" of sinners than themselves, or myself.
~I worry about money, my family, money, and taking care of my wife, when all I am doing is spending money and not making any.
~ I worry about my parents' house, and I want to go and help my dad with anything that he needs. I want to go there and sing with my mom so that she knows how much I want to spend time with her.
~I wonder about Christians and war: How does "Love your enemy" play into shooting them? Should we forgo the "Love your enemy" rule for the sake of protecting our loved ones? What about our land? Our Stuff? Our ideals? Jesus says that people will persecute us for our beliefs. Should we fight back because we're upset? Or should we lay down our swords? Should I teach my friend in the marines what I've learned about Christian love when I know his officers expect him to listen to orders without question? Would it be better for him not to have to choose? Or should be struggle to pull the trigger and end up dead somewhere because of it?
~ I wonder if I should play a larger role in conservation of nature. I feel called and drawn to the outdoors, and God created Adam to be gardener and protector of Eden, but I am stuck on a computer or watching TV most of the time right now because of my neck, and when I have the ability to go out and do these things, I will have work, school, family stuff, and spending time with my wife. Sometimes we get to go outside together, but that's about once or twice a month at most. Josh and I want to discover how to be outdoorsmen, but we each know that it simply takes time and studying to do so, and I have enough trouble remembering Greek declensions.
~I worry about all the relationships I've had in the past, and what negative things I've said or done to affect those people I thought I cared about. What should or could I do now to help that? What's done is done can always be apologized for... but is it too far beneath the past to dig up?
I suppose that's enough for now, and I don't expect anyone to have read all of that, but that's an example of what drains my energy, specifically at the moment. I don't have the time to figure this out, nor the means, or perhaps simply the willpower. Sometimes I don't want to know, because then I'll have to give it up, like being an outdoorsman. Perhaps I'll always be an amateur mountain-man where there are no mountains. What will my children think of me if they always see that I want something more? Maybe they'll look forward to heaven, as I do.
In all of this, and in my lucid moments, I thank God for all I have been blessed with. My wife especially, and also my family and friends, as challenging as it makes my life; for every time God comes through and answers a prayer just as I asked it, even if I forget it two minutes after it's done.
I believe my aunt Susan worried about life in very similar fashions, as I remembered having discussions about issues with her when I was about 8, and she would ask the questions that no one had ever answered well. It made her frustrated, and it makes me as well. I seek to answer the questions. Once again "The Impossible Dream" just popped into my head.
Goodnight.
Sg
What an amazing four days it has been.
My life has changed completely in the past four days. No, there's no big news about kids or jobs or Bryan. But my life has changed completely. I'm happy again.
If you would have asked me a week ago if I was happy, I probably would have responded in the affirmative. Because I knew that I should be. But I wasn't truly. My heart was heavy. I thought that was because of the stress of dealing with work and B's injury and bills and everything else that comes with life. But it wasn't. It was because of the way I was dealing with the stress.
And then Monday happened.
And now I am happy. My bills haven't magically disappeared. My husband wasn't miraculously healed. My house was not cleaned by fairies. God brought about a change in my heart. My head knew that I was unduly stressed and volatile. I knew that I wanted to feel differently about my life and especially my husband. But I could not figure out how to flip the switch.
And God did it for me.
Life hasn't changed in the past four days. My husband still puts the dishes away in the wrong places. But I can let it pass, instead of yelling at him and arguing about it for an hour. I'm allowing B to be different from me. We complement each other beautifully. He messes up in areas of organization and time management. I mess up when it comes to communication. And we lift each other up. And carry each other's burdens.
The most beautiful thing about the change God has brought about in me is this: I don't feel guilty for the way I've thought and acted for the past three months. My husband has forgiven me. My heavenly father has forgiven me. Those sins are gone. I know that I will have to continually be on my guard against their return. But what has passed is gone. Thank God.
Stacy (TL)
If you would have asked me a week ago if I was happy, I probably would have responded in the affirmative. Because I knew that I should be. But I wasn't truly. My heart was heavy. I thought that was because of the stress of dealing with work and B's injury and bills and everything else that comes with life. But it wasn't. It was because of the way I was dealing with the stress.
And then Monday happened.
And now I am happy. My bills haven't magically disappeared. My husband wasn't miraculously healed. My house was not cleaned by fairies. God brought about a change in my heart. My head knew that I was unduly stressed and volatile. I knew that I wanted to feel differently about my life and especially my husband. But I could not figure out how to flip the switch.
And God did it for me.
Life hasn't changed in the past four days. My husband still puts the dishes away in the wrong places. But I can let it pass, instead of yelling at him and arguing about it for an hour. I'm allowing B to be different from me. We complement each other beautifully. He messes up in areas of organization and time management. I mess up when it comes to communication. And we lift each other up. And carry each other's burdens.
The most beautiful thing about the change God has brought about in me is this: I don't feel guilty for the way I've thought and acted for the past three months. My husband has forgiven me. My heavenly father has forgiven me. Those sins are gone. I know that I will have to continually be on my guard against their return. But what has passed is gone. Thank God.
Stacy (TL)
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
God Knows Processes (Processi...? Like Cactus and Cacti, or Like Horse and Horsee?)
I wouldn't pin this long, boring post to my beautiful wife, so I'll admit that it is I, Bryan, who wrote this.
God knew that our lives wouldn't be simple, and thus he knew that our problems wouldn't be solved with simple answers.
I'm learning quickly, that in marriage, issues worth "working on" are ones that are not sudden and over as soon as they are (or if they are) addressed. Those issues which have earned Bracy's scrutiny are those which are slight, chronic, recurring, and seem to never be over even if an argument concludes (no matter how nice the conclusion). These issues are process problems, not "single issue, single answer" problems.
God provides process answers for process problems, such as the first part of the letter James wrote in the bible. I don't usually remember numbers and stuff, or even exact quotes, but pretty much he wrote, "Rejoice in your trials, for even though they cause suffering, they also cause perseverance, and perseverance leads to (and I do quote exactly here) "all things"".
Are you looking for an answer in life? James says that trials lead to this mystical, "all things," idea. It is not suffering and then having a problem solved because you suffered. The answer is through and at the finality of a process.
Stacy, my loved one, and myself, have been having process problems. We got married, then after a few months, figured that we should argue with each other about everything, and demand that the other accede to our own personal right to be right; her right to be right as the wife whom I am supposed to love and give my life for, and mine as the husband to whom she should submit. After a short... year... we started thinking that perhaps we ought to discover a different way of communicating.
Here are a few things I have figured out; from my end(the ugly one).
~I am a better arguer than Stacy.
~Because I argue better, I win somewhere around 95% of our arguments.
~I Would win an argument using logic, reminding her of her own emotional inconsistency, and
prove that my point was far more logical than hers.
~Then she would feel guilty for arguing, getting frustrated, upset, and even angry at me.
~I would win; would be right. I felt terrible, and she felt terrible.
~We did this almost every other day.
I knew something was wrong, and for awhile I figured that Stacy should just listen to me and stop arguing with me, but then I realized that she was thinking the exact same thing, except she knew that she probably couldn't win most arguments with me.
So here is what I concluded:
I have been given a skill, a craft, at shaping ideas and words for my own purposes when it comes to one on one confrontation. I have nearly perfect memory when it comes to remembering individual sentences in an argument, and I can pick out every individual fallacy possible in any sentence anyone says to me. I am able to communicate clearly why I disagree with a concept, and then ask for an adequate defense against my polemic. By the time I get to this point, Stacy has only said two sentences, and after I responded she is nearly in tears with frustration.
One time I asked her, "Do you think clearly, logically, and objectively when we argue?" To which she responded, "No."
I figured that was how she kept losing these arguments. If she wasn't being logical, then she would not be consistent, and if she is not consistent, then I would point out her faulty logic and "win" the argument.
A very loving pastor recently told me that, "It is more important to love than to be right." I agree with him, but I want more than that. I want to love and be right.
So here is where we are at from my end. When Stacy and I argue, seriously, about something that we do actually need to resolve (as opposed to the argument adequately summed up as the hour long "How a Sponge Should Be Cleaned" argument) I have decided to try a new arguing tactic.
Since I am the superior arguer, I will attempt arguing for Stacy instead of against her. I will give her point every opportunity to be right, and try to prove her point. I will advocate for her against myself (well, my opposing viewpoint). We will work together against my opposing view, and see what conclusions we arrive at.
This way, even if I end up being right, I was fighting with Stacy and not against her the entire argument, and aside from a little multiple personality disorder, Bryan is doing fine... I mean, I am doing... fine.
So what is our solution to having lived in a quarrelsome marriage for over a year?
I don't know the end, but we are living the process. Our whole lives are the solution to a process problem like this.
The dissolution happens when we stop living the process; when we give up.
God knows our problems, and the process solution for our process problems is just as far away as opening his Word and beginning to read, and the process starts up again, like a car with an empty tank that just got a roadside refill, not to mention that the guy who stopped to fill up the tank for us died for us even after we accused him of being demon-possessed, and gave us the free gift of salvation.
One thing I also learned, and really like: we never argue about God's love. We never argue about how He saved and saves us. We never disagree that He is the answer. This is what I call a process refreshment.
Even if everything else seems to be falling apart, we can always agree on that, no matter how hard I try to find the fallacy in it.
There is none, and I'm willing and ready to defend that point.
Bryan Sg
God knew that our lives wouldn't be simple, and thus he knew that our problems wouldn't be solved with simple answers.
I'm learning quickly, that in marriage, issues worth "working on" are ones that are not sudden and over as soon as they are (or if they are) addressed. Those issues which have earned Bracy's scrutiny are those which are slight, chronic, recurring, and seem to never be over even if an argument concludes (no matter how nice the conclusion). These issues are process problems, not "single issue, single answer" problems.
God provides process answers for process problems, such as the first part of the letter James wrote in the bible. I don't usually remember numbers and stuff, or even exact quotes, but pretty much he wrote, "Rejoice in your trials, for even though they cause suffering, they also cause perseverance, and perseverance leads to (and I do quote exactly here) "all things"".
Are you looking for an answer in life? James says that trials lead to this mystical, "all things," idea. It is not suffering and then having a problem solved because you suffered. The answer is through and at the finality of a process.
Stacy, my loved one, and myself, have been having process problems. We got married, then after a few months, figured that we should argue with each other about everything, and demand that the other accede to our own personal right to be right; her right to be right as the wife whom I am supposed to love and give my life for, and mine as the husband to whom she should submit. After a short... year... we started thinking that perhaps we ought to discover a different way of communicating.
Here are a few things I have figured out; from my end(the ugly one).
~I am a better arguer than Stacy.
~Because I argue better, I win somewhere around 95% of our arguments.
~I Would win an argument using logic, reminding her of her own emotional inconsistency, and
prove that my point was far more logical than hers.
~Then she would feel guilty for arguing, getting frustrated, upset, and even angry at me.
~I would win; would be right. I felt terrible, and she felt terrible.
~We did this almost every other day.
I knew something was wrong, and for awhile I figured that Stacy should just listen to me and stop arguing with me, but then I realized that she was thinking the exact same thing, except she knew that she probably couldn't win most arguments with me.
So here is what I concluded:
I have been given a skill, a craft, at shaping ideas and words for my own purposes when it comes to one on one confrontation. I have nearly perfect memory when it comes to remembering individual sentences in an argument, and I can pick out every individual fallacy possible in any sentence anyone says to me. I am able to communicate clearly why I disagree with a concept, and then ask for an adequate defense against my polemic. By the time I get to this point, Stacy has only said two sentences, and after I responded she is nearly in tears with frustration.
One time I asked her, "Do you think clearly, logically, and objectively when we argue?" To which she responded, "No."
I figured that was how she kept losing these arguments. If she wasn't being logical, then she would not be consistent, and if she is not consistent, then I would point out her faulty logic and "win" the argument.
A very loving pastor recently told me that, "It is more important to love than to be right." I agree with him, but I want more than that. I want to love and be right.
So here is where we are at from my end. When Stacy and I argue, seriously, about something that we do actually need to resolve (as opposed to the argument adequately summed up as the hour long "How a Sponge Should Be Cleaned" argument) I have decided to try a new arguing tactic.
Since I am the superior arguer, I will attempt arguing for Stacy instead of against her. I will give her point every opportunity to be right, and try to prove her point. I will advocate for her against myself (well, my opposing viewpoint). We will work together against my opposing view, and see what conclusions we arrive at.
This way, even if I end up being right, I was fighting with Stacy and not against her the entire argument, and aside from a little multiple personality disorder, Bryan is doing fine... I mean, I am doing... fine.
So what is our solution to having lived in a quarrelsome marriage for over a year?
I don't know the end, but we are living the process. Our whole lives are the solution to a process problem like this.
The dissolution happens when we stop living the process; when we give up.
God knows our problems, and the process solution for our process problems is just as far away as opening his Word and beginning to read, and the process starts up again, like a car with an empty tank that just got a roadside refill, not to mention that the guy who stopped to fill up the tank for us died for us even after we accused him of being demon-possessed, and gave us the free gift of salvation.
One thing I also learned, and really like: we never argue about God's love. We never argue about how He saved and saves us. We never disagree that He is the answer. This is what I call a process refreshment.
Even if everything else seems to be falling apart, we can always agree on that, no matter how hard I try to find the fallacy in it.
There is none, and I'm willing and ready to defend that point.
Bryan Sg
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
An Ended Cycle
Stacy here.
I've half-way wanted to start blogging for a while, as I've been following a couple of friends' blogs. Then tonight as I was reading one, my husband Bryan suggested that we blog together. So here we are.
Yesterday was an eventful day. B and I met with a pastor to pray for healing for B's neck. The conversation turned toward our marriage, and we admitted that things had been tough lately. B's injury means that I have been the only source of income, which has led me to challenging B's leadership in other parts of our relationship. This is coupled with my bias toward working through injuries instead of resting to allow healing to take place. Our conversation focused on what B should be doing to lessen my stress level. It ended in prayer, but neither B or I felt resolution from it. I had to go to work, but we continued the conversation when I got home.
Well, not right away. First, I snapped at B for tightening the scissors too tight. Then for making a suggestion about what I was cutting. He asked me why I was upset, and if I really thought all of my reactions were his fault. I knew they weren't. And we talked about why I get upset. And I didn't have an answer, I just knew that it was unjustified.
A little history at this point - this type of conversation has been happening pretty much every night for the past two months. At least. I always apologize for getting upset and try to think of how to prevent future outbursts, but I never feel secure about it.
Until last night.
After I apologized, we *ahem* started to make up. And I looked into my husband's eyes. And had a realization. I had not been loving him. I did things for him, such as cleaning the dishes and making dinner. I told him I loved him. But I had been resenting him - for his injury, for his God-given role as the head of the household, for his personality being different from mine, for the slightest oversight in housework. All while he was loving me and forgiving me and trying to heal.
Now, I'm not saying that B is perfect, and he wouldn't tell you that either. What I am saying is that my attitude toward our marriage was horrendous. And I am so thankful that yesterday God worked through people to bring me out of my cycle of resentment. And I pray that I never fall into it again.
I've half-way wanted to start blogging for a while, as I've been following a couple of friends' blogs. Then tonight as I was reading one, my husband Bryan suggested that we blog together. So here we are.
Yesterday was an eventful day. B and I met with a pastor to pray for healing for B's neck. The conversation turned toward our marriage, and we admitted that things had been tough lately. B's injury means that I have been the only source of income, which has led me to challenging B's leadership in other parts of our relationship. This is coupled with my bias toward working through injuries instead of resting to allow healing to take place. Our conversation focused on what B should be doing to lessen my stress level. It ended in prayer, but neither B or I felt resolution from it. I had to go to work, but we continued the conversation when I got home.
Well, not right away. First, I snapped at B for tightening the scissors too tight. Then for making a suggestion about what I was cutting. He asked me why I was upset, and if I really thought all of my reactions were his fault. I knew they weren't. And we talked about why I get upset. And I didn't have an answer, I just knew that it was unjustified.
A little history at this point - this type of conversation has been happening pretty much every night for the past two months. At least. I always apologize for getting upset and try to think of how to prevent future outbursts, but I never feel secure about it.
Until last night.
After I apologized, we *ahem* started to make up. And I looked into my husband's eyes. And had a realization. I had not been loving him. I did things for him, such as cleaning the dishes and making dinner. I told him I loved him. But I had been resenting him - for his injury, for his God-given role as the head of the household, for his personality being different from mine, for the slightest oversight in housework. All while he was loving me and forgiving me and trying to heal.
Now, I'm not saying that B is perfect, and he wouldn't tell you that either. What I am saying is that my attitude toward our marriage was horrendous. And I am so thankful that yesterday God worked through people to bring me out of my cycle of resentment. And I pray that I never fall into it again.
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