An Ended Cycle

Stacy here.

I've half-way wanted to start blogging for a while, as I've been following a couple of friends' blogs. Then tonight as I was reading one, my husband Bryan suggested that we blog together. So here we are.

Yesterday was an eventful day. B and I met with a pastor to pray for healing for B's neck. The conversation turned toward our marriage, and we admitted that things had been tough lately. B's injury means that I have been the only source of income, which has led me to challenging B's leadership in other parts of our relationship. This is coupled with my bias toward working through injuries instead of resting to allow healing to take place. Our conversation focused on what B should be doing to lessen my stress level. It ended in prayer, but neither B or I felt resolution from it. I had to go to work, but we continued the conversation when I got home.

Well, not right away. First, I snapped at B for tightening the scissors too tight. Then for making a suggestion about what I was cutting. He asked me why I was upset, and if I really thought all of my reactions were his fault. I knew they weren't. And we talked about why I get upset. And I didn't have an answer, I just knew that it was unjustified.

A little history at this point - this type of conversation has been happening pretty much every night for the past two months. At least. I always apologize for getting upset and try to think of how to prevent future outbursts, but I never feel secure about it.

Until last night.

After I apologized, we *ahem* started to make up. And I looked into my husband's eyes. And had a realization. I had not been loving him. I did things for him, such as cleaning the dishes and making dinner. I told him I loved him. But I had been resenting him - for his injury, for his God-given role as the head of the household, for his personality being different from mine, for the slightest oversight in housework. All while he was loving me and forgiving me and trying to heal.

Now, I'm not saying that B is perfect, and he wouldn't tell you that either. What I am saying is that my attitude toward our marriage was horrendous. And I am so thankful that yesterday God worked through people to bring me out of my cycle of resentment. And I pray that I never fall into it again.