From The Inside Out

I always wonder why, when my marriage suddenly becomes more rewarding, do I always begin to feel more pressure and tiredness.

When things are tough between Stacy and I, most of life's problems, like knowing the theological languages, preaching the gospel, and sustaining my other relationships get shoved the back burner of my thoughts. My whole focus is on repairing what can be repaired in the marriage. When Stacy is happy, I can relax into my marriage with my wife.

Then the thoughts tumble in, one by one. I don't know my languages, and I don't know how I am going to learn them in two years well enough for seminary. I wonder if I should drag Stacy off to India to go do mission work over there, (don't worry, I don't think this is a viable option or vocation). I feel restless with this injury, unable to do much physically, and so I have all this time to think, but with the medication, it takes me at least four times as long to wrap my brain around a life-problem and either figure out a solution or come to an acceptable conclusion for the time being.

Stacy encourages me to write my thoughts out, which is in part why she started this blog, so here is an excerpt from the things on my mind which drain my energy:

~Can I swear upon the Book of Concord at my Lutheran ordination when Jesus says not to swear and anything more than "let your Yes be Yes and your No be No... comes from the evil one"?

~What about people who have never heard about Jesus? Would God reject them? Or are they treated with exception? If they are, then why did he encourage us to go tell people about Jesus? If we left New Guinea alone, they would have never heard of Jesus for perhaps dozens of Generations... Which leads me to question how God actually saves people. I was under the impression than unless a person rejected Jesus as their Savior, then they were viewed by God as perfect; hence the blessedness of young children and even infants ("For to such as these belongs the kingdom of heaven.")

~What about when the message of Jesus is presented in an inappropriate way? If someone preaches that in order to reach God, a person must lead a perfect life, and Jesus will help the person do it. What happens when that person falls on their face and isn't able to lead the life they were preached to live? Should they believe in a God that does not forgive freely? No. But what if they are discouraged based on the words of the preacher, not the Word of God, as in the parable of the sower.

~There is such a mess in several denominations, including my own. Certain non-denominational Christians hear that I am Lutheran and ask me if I am going to be a Gay pastor. No... I'm married to a woman, and that is the other Lutheran denominational practice; which leads me to wonder about homosexuality and how to address it. Do I address "it" as a concept, or according to each person? I fear coming to a firm, LCMS, conclusion about homosexuality, because it means that I must eventually stop loving someone who chooses to pursue a gay lifestyle... when not stop loving them exactly, but it would certainly look that way.

~I thank God that homosexuality has become such a personal issue, or else I might be like many other Christians who assume that Gay people are a "different breed" of sinners than themselves, or myself.

~I worry about money, my family, money, and taking care of my wife, when all I am doing is spending money and not making any.

~ I worry about my parents' house, and I want to go and help my dad with anything that he needs. I want to go there and sing with my mom so that she knows how much I want to spend time with her.

~I wonder about Christians and war: How does "Love your enemy" play into shooting them? Should we forgo the "Love your enemy" rule for the sake of protecting our loved ones? What about our land? Our Stuff? Our ideals? Jesus says that people will persecute us for our beliefs. Should we fight back because we're upset? Or should we lay down our swords? Should I teach my friend in the marines what I've learned about Christian love when I know his officers expect him to listen to orders without question? Would it be better for him not to have to choose? Or should be struggle to pull the trigger and end up dead somewhere because of it?

~ I wonder if I should play a larger role in conservation of nature. I feel called and drawn to the outdoors, and God created Adam to be gardener and protector of Eden, but I am stuck on a computer or watching TV most of the time right now because of my neck, and when I have the ability to go out and do these things, I will have work, school, family stuff, and spending time with my wife. Sometimes we get to go outside together, but that's about once or twice a month at most. Josh and I want to discover how to be outdoorsmen, but we each know that it simply takes time and studying to do so, and I have enough trouble remembering Greek declensions.

~I worry about all the relationships I've had in the past, and what negative things I've said or done to affect those people I thought I cared about. What should or could I do now to help that? What's done is done can always be apologized for... but is it too far beneath the past to dig up?

I suppose that's enough for now, and I don't expect anyone to have read all of that, but that's an example of what drains my energy, specifically at the moment. I don't have the time to figure this out, nor the means, or perhaps simply the willpower. Sometimes I don't want to know, because then I'll have to give it up, like being an outdoorsman. Perhaps I'll always be an amateur mountain-man where there are no mountains. What will my children think of me if they always see that I want something more? Maybe they'll look forward to heaven, as I do.

In all of this, and in my lucid moments, I thank God for all I have been blessed with. My wife especially, and also my family and friends, as challenging as it makes my life; for every time God comes through and answers a prayer just as I asked it, even if I forget it two minutes after it's done.

I believe my aunt Susan worried about life in very similar fashions, as I remembered having discussions about issues with her when I was about 8, and she would ask the questions that no one had ever answered well. It made her frustrated, and it makes me as well. I seek to answer the questions. Once again "The Impossible Dream" just popped into my head.

Goodnight.

Sg